Of Mustache and Men

1 In the beginning (mid 2007) there was the beard.
2 And the bearer of the beard trimmed it to a fashion and saw that it was good.
3 And the Bearded did groom it and wash it and set a border around about it to guard it against his enemies.
4 And for a season, the Bearded did take rest from his labors and departed into a far off land.
5 And after some time, the Bearded returned and found his face shaven and razor-burned, and pale from lack of light, for his enemies had come in the night and taken from him that which was most precious to him in the name of their honor code.
6 And the former Bearded one wept for he saw that his labor was in ruin and his face barren and lo his sorrow was great;
7 And it came to pass, that the Shaven did go forth once again and did sow root in the middle of the face thereof, and did nurture it, and hedged it, and styled it with the tools that he had made of his own hands.
8 And not many days thereafter, his labor was complete; And because his work was not like unto that which he had done prior, he gave it a new name.
9 And the Shaven called it, mustache. Which is to say, guardian of the lip, after the language of his forefathers.
10 And it came to pass, that the mustache did prosper exceedingly in the land; at least so thought the Mustacher.
11 But his enemies did come down again from the hills and from their hiding places disguised in a manner similar to that of the Mustacher; and lo they did work in all manner of abominations and whoredoms, convincing the people of the land that the mustache was the source and power of their iniquities, which were many.
12 And behold, the people knew not the true mustache from the impostor and because they did thus fear so, they did cast them all into the fires, and into pits, and into lions dens; and this they did in their hearts and in their minds and in shifty eyes.
13 And fearing the loss of his own ego, the Mustacher did depart thence from the land into the wilderness northward called Canada; and there he did find peace and sanctuary.

- The Gospel of Yanni, Chapter 5

Ok, but seriously guys, I'm fully aware of what the "stache" looks like; I do have mirror you know. But my condescension and self sacrifice has been the means to a much grander experiment and social observation. Having been on campus consistently now for over 6 weeks, I have discovered infallible proof of the following;

Guys with mustaches can't be nice EVER, only creepy.

At least for those of us who are a) single b) under 35 and c) in happy valley
There is not a hallway you can stroll, no door you can open for someone else, nor lollipop you can offer to little kids out of the back of a van without getting those oh-so-blatant eyes of mistrust. {That being said sometimes sarcasm and satire can even turn around and bite you if you're not too careful(come on, people)}

So where does this perception come from? Well I'm glad you asked, because A-holes throughout history have been abusing their mustache privileges and causing all sorts of negative externalities (side effects) on us modern folk.

Example A: Adolf Hitler.
Not only did this fascist hurt the image of mustache, HE KILLED A WHOLE STYLE!!! Though not my favorite, who knows where the this cut could have been without 60 years of maltreatment.

Example B: Joe Stalin. And he looks like such a lovable Dedushka, doesn't he? But nooooo, genocide was his Christmas gift to all the good little boys and girls

Example C: John Wilkes Booth. Talk about cheap tactics, shooting the president from behind while he's out at the theater. No wonder people don't want you opening doors for them, they're afraid you wack em over the head with a blackjack.

Example D: Jeffrey Dahmer, A bit more of a contemperary creepy mustache serial killer guy look, complete no less with over-sized glasses and a slight smirk.

But just as there are traitors to the cause there are those defending it as well,
Sir Tom Selleck has done more for the mustache in the last 30 years than any human being, bar none. Friend, we salute you. And Albert Einstein? Well you may have an IQ of 180, but you're still a little freaky, thanks for relativity though, that was pretty sweet.




















In this world of proclaimed tolerance, I implore you dear reader to look down deep and see the mustache toting man for who he really is - a kindred spirit, worthy of the same justices and confidence of any other man... unless he really is driving a van and has a lisp, in which case run, just run the other way, screaming bloody murder... or better yet, if he's writing insane blogs on Valentine's Day Eve, that should raise a few red flags; but that's just my opinion.